Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_03 0:41

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Compass Chronicles Podcast. I am Javier, your co-host. I'm here with Mickey, my favorite co-host in the world. And uh we're having a very special guest today. She's gonna introduce herself. We're gonna have a good time. Uh it's gonna be fun, and I hope you stick with us here. So, Mary uh Mickey, I'll let you come in.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

Hi, everyone, welcome to Compass Chronicles. I'm excited to be here for another great episode. And uh Marit, we can't wait to hear what you have to say today. I'm excited to talk with you, and um, we're just delighted to have you today.

unknown 1:15

Awesome.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Well, thank you. It's great to be here.

SPEAKER_03 1:18

Well, this is all you, so let people know about you, what you do, and then we'll go from there.

SPEAKER_01 1:24

Okay, great. Well, my name is Marit Welker, as you said, and I am a guide for Christian estranged mothers, mothers who've been cut off from their adult children. I help them uh understand the child, prepare to reconnect, and help them to learn to thrive and live happily while they wait.

SPEAKER_03 1:46

Wow, that's that's a tough job. That's that's you have to be called for something like that. It's so important, but it's something that you definitely have to be called to do to have that energy and that and

What Estrangement Looks Like Now

SPEAKER_03 1:57

that um that love to do that. So I have a couple of questions, and we'll go from there. So you describe estrangement as something that's becoming more common, even normalized. What are you seeing in today's culture that's fueling this trend?

SPEAKER_01 2:14

Well, if you are in social media or listening to podcasts, you hear about cutting off toxic people, cutting toxic people out of your life. And toxic means not dangerous, but poisonous. Excuse me, there's been a shift of definitions. Uh trauma culture and therapy culture have

Toxic Labels And Therapy Culture

SPEAKER_01 2:39

invaded especially social media. And because our youth especially are so integrated into social media, spending hours every day there, that's infiltrated their minds. The brain is designed, I love neuroscience, I use a lot of that in my work, but the brain is designed for two things, and one of them is to conserve energy because the brain uses more energy than anything else in your body by comparison, you know, for one organ. And the second is to um uh protect you, and it protects you by conserving that energy and by looking for problems, and that was essential to keep us alive, you know, but it isn't anymore. However, our brain is still designed to look for problems, and so by doing that, it frequently will find problems where they don't exist and find the negative. We have become a people who are fabulous at criticism, at uh critics, finding the problems around us, but not at finding the solutions. And so it's changed the meaning of what is dangerous, you know. Trauma in medical things would include something like a gunshot to the chest. Trauma in medical terms does not include a sprained ankle. A sprained ankle can feel as bad as a broken bone. A strained ankle, sprained ankle can uh become a chronic problem. It causes a lot of pain, but it is not trauma, and that is what's happened in the language, is it's shifted to include things like a sprained ankle, it's shifted in meaning to uh cover discomfort and awkward relationships and things like that, so it's really a different uh kind of experience uh that the younger people are living in, where that is the definition and this is the solution. And the older people, if we're not as involved in this uh therapy speech that the younger people have been exposed to their whole lives, then suddenly we're left behind. The rules of the game have changed, and we don't know it. No one told us. So when our child comes to us and tells us that uh we're toxic or that they need space and they need boundaries, or that uh we were abusive, the definitions of abusive and toxic and triggering and things like that are now different, and they include a whole lot more. Unfortunately, the world is teaching through podcasts and through TV and through all kinds of gurus and books that are saying lose your parents, find your life, or are saying uh it's essential to cut these toxic people out of your life. They are including parents, and instead of blood being thicker than water, now it's a matter of um curating your own family, and it's really tragic because people are walking away from parents who gave them everything they had for you know 18 years, and they did it imperfectly, but they're not being given that grace, they're not offered that forgiveness, they're not recognized as human, they are required to be all of that, and then personality quirks or faults that they have become a reason to end the relationship instead of staying and figuring out, instead of offering grace and forgiveness, they are being judge, jury, and executioner in one and killing the relationship, destroying the family.

SPEAKER_03 7:14

That's intense, and and I've seen that, especially now that uh the society we live in, right? Everyone is the feelings police. If I'm not feeling too well, or you you insulted me, I'm gonna walk away. There's no more civil discourse anymore. There's no more discussion, especially with, like you said, with parents and their children that disconnect now. I mean, I raised my children, so that me, we raised our children a little. We're glad we raised them when we did, in a way, because of how social media has made all these kids just totally become their own self-people and not worry about their effects on other people. So uh

Cancel Culture And A Parent’s Pain

SPEAKER_03 7:48

I've seen that and and I can't agree with you more. It's scary being a parent now, I think, more than it was maybe 20 years ago. It's very scary. Uh, I give credit to people who do. Uh, but you know, so but yeah. Um Mickey, you have anything?

SPEAKER_00 8:03

Actually, I do. I also think that um because we live in a cancel society where everything cancels itself out, we also are teaching our our generation, our younger generation, that if it if it doesn't fit what they want, they could just cancel it. And if so, if your parents irritate you that day, they're gonna get they're gonna be unsubscribed, basically. And um I'm I'm a parent of an estranged son, so of four years now. And I have a really, really close friend that has is a parent of um an estranged son of 18 years now, and it's been just devastating. And um, I I'm really close with both my or all three of my girls, very close. My son was a spoiled rotten little snot, if you would say. Was I the perfect parent? No, but my girls just were just floored that he just was like, I'm out. And and but he didn't just annihilate me, he annihilated his whole entire family and all of his friends, all of us, everyone, everyone he had connections with, once he met um a specific person in his life, and he decided to shift, and then decided that that was the start of his new life, and everything else had to go because we didn't fit into that picture, you know. And it was it it wrecked me for quite a while, but um thank goodness I'm a Christian and I know that um our children are a gift, um, and they don't belong to us, they belong to God. So we have to allow God to um work through the prodigals, you know, and there's so many, and now there's even more. And I was watching a show on Oprah Nuts Longo about um all the estranged children, and I was I was literally irritated and blown away by the whole episode. I had to turn it off because it was so heart-wrenching. So, what do you do? You know, like with so you so I I I can tell you work on both sides of the fence of this. So now you have people like me that that actually are the parent, and then you have the child that is the one walking away. So, how do you connect the two? Because I've read that you connect, you help connect them back together. How does that process work?

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Well, here's you brought up a cause that I didn't mention, and that is uh another person speaking to them, and therapy is a huge factor, and then finding a new partner is another. I'm gonna address this first uh before I get to your question, and that is that um they are at the age where they leave and cleave, it's what they're supposed to do, and so that's normal and that's to be congratulated, that's a command, and so when they do that, sometimes that other person has experienced trauma, sometimes that other person has a perspective of jealousy and feeling

How Reconnection Prep Really Works

SPEAKER_01 11:26

threatened, and then they start pushing and telling a story. Now, our brain does not believe facts, our brain believes what feels normal, what feels natural, what feels comfortable because we've thought it many times. And I'm sorry I'm sidetracking here before I get to your question, but I am gonna get to it. Um, imagine going to the kitchen a few years ago, four or five years ago, we had kitchen cabinets where the plates were in one cabinet and the glasses were in another. Well, I had too many glasses. We consolidated and we put all of the dishes in one little cabinet right next to the dishwasher. For almost a year, we find ourselves going to the wrong cabinet to grab a plate. Now, our brain knows they're not in that spot, but it also knows that they used to be, and that's what's comfortable is going to that old place. It's the rut is there in our brain. It's a road we traveled so many times in our thoughts that our brain believes it to be true, even though it's not. Similarly, if I have you imagine a lemon, you're holding it in your hand, you're scratching it, you're smelling it, you're feeling the texture, your eyes are closed, and you're imagining this vividly. And then you cut a slice off and you squeeze that lemon juice onto your tongue, and you're imagining this vividly and the taste and in all the tartness. And guess what? It's not a real lemon, but your mouth is watering because of your imagination, and that's something that happens in our brain. It's called a bias. And when we are looking at the world around us, every time we remember something, we're remembering it based on that bias. And so uh that recall bias is something that's going to uh change their memories of what happened and rewrite their experience. The interesting thing is the same thing happens to us. Now, I'm not gonna argue that your child is not the things you said he was, because I understand that. Um, I have been on both sides, I only work with Christian mothers, and this is what I do because I can't change the child, and the child frequently, if not usually, is going to be like the prodigal son, in the sense that they have been deceived to believe that the only way they can be happy is by getting their way, and getting their way might mean getting their inheritance and going off and spending it in riotous living. Whatever that definition is for them that makes them happy, that's what they believe is the only way. And so when they're gone, I can't help you reach that child yet, but I can prepare you. And so what I do is I teach the woman what not to say to make things worse, because everything that a mother wants to do uh naturally is the absolute worst thing you can do. And everything that you want to do will make things worse until you are ready. What I do is I teach these women what not to say, what not to do in a workshop that I have, and then I teach them how to prepare, and that is to understand their child, to have compassion, that their child truly is in enough pain that they rejected their own mother and believe that's the only way to do it. But that kind of bias and belief, that's a lot of pain to believe that's the only way through. Now, is it the right answer? It is not the right answer, except in cases of severe abuse. And alarmingly, few of these mothers that have been cut off have deserved the being cut off. And for those that do deserve it, there's always, always repentance and grace when you come to Jesus with all of your soul. Now, what I teach these women is I teach them how to thrive, I teach them how to love themselves without restraint, I teach them how to repent and change and come to Christ with all of their heart more deeply than ever before, to not only be accepting Jesus, but to be following Jesus and like Peter. Okay, now Peter believed. Peter, well, he was Simon at the time, he believed in Jesus, he believed in his mission, and Peter was so believing of Jesus that he hopped right out of that boat and walked on water. He knew he had faith. It faltered because he's human, but he had great faith. So when Jesus said to him, When thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren. How do you think it made them feel? There is a deeper level than just faith, and that is conversion. And then there's a deeper level than that, that well, not deeper, the same level, which is to consecrate your life to Christ. Are you living for Christ? Is he your reason for everything? When you can honestly say that, you are willing to accept whatever comes your way, whatever God allows to happen in your life, and you seek his help to deal with the pain and the suffering you're going through. And let me tell you something, Mickey, and this is really important to know God understands estrangement and rejection from his children more than anyone else. More than anyone else. And with that understanding, he is there to help you through this, to comfort you, and to teach you. And as you learn the skills that will prepare you to reunite, then you learn the skills to live happily and to thrive and to find your God-given purpose for now and to live that confidently, that's when you're in a position when you can finally reach out. You can't change your child, but you can change yourself. And when you do take the time to go deeper with Jesus and take the time to learn the skills that bring happiness, and take the time to develop the habits that have you prepared and have you automatically living prepared so that when that phone call comes or when that knock on that door, and as the prodigal son, when they come to themselves, and that's what the Lord is working on, they are in the Lord's hands, and when they come to themselves, they will come back to you, and you will be ready. And that is so crucial because if you say the wrong thing, they might leave for good. This isn't a quick fix, and it probably was sometime in the making. Your child probably thought about this for a long time before this happened. And if he cut everyone off, then there's definitely something going on in his head. It might be mental illness, it's usually the influence of another person, whether it's a divorced parent or whether it is uh a new girlfriend or spouse or um boyfriend or whatever. Um, and it's it's me or them. You've got to choose. And if they're in love, they are gonna cleave to that person because that is what is natural and right. They just happen to choose the wrong person. So we can't control them. All we can do is prepare, live prepared, and then learn to thrive where we are moving forward. And when you are doing that, loving yourself, living happily, and living with joy and peace in your life, and then you find your next God-given purpose and find more meaning in your life, you're living happy while you wait. And at that point, you're ready to reach out. At that point, you're ready to connect. And if they choose to or not, you are going to be prepared for when that day comes. With um a close friend of mine, it took about 25 years, but it happened. And when it did, they were ready because they realized I didn't cause this. I know I didn't cause this, and I'm not getting a reason why. And that's really common when your child leaves and doesn't tell you why.

SPEAKER_03 20:57

That's rough, that's real rough, especially being a father and and a mother, when they just decide to walk away and not tell you. It's I mean, when my daughter moved out uh the first time, she moved all the way to um uh all the way to Florida to Key West. To us, that's another world. Right. But it was this whole like, oh my god, she just left and and just said that. I'm I'm going to Florida. I'm like, okay. You know, you just turned 20. Okay, well, and it was it took a lot of time to even figure that out and get used to not that person not being around. Not that they were ever strange because my kids almost are talking me sometimes. But I know how it is to feel when you don't see them, when you don't talk to them as often as you do, uh not getting that normal phone call that you used to get and stuff like that. Uh and like you said, it it does uh a lot of it has to be the person they're involved with, uh, or the person that's manipulating them, or whichever way uh you you see that, and more often than not, uh it's another person manipulating their thoughts uh to leave the house or to do things that are you know not Christ-like or whatever in a way to hurt themselves that they don't realize they're hurting themselves, but you know. So I have another question for you because it comes out into so you combine biblical teaching, neuroscience, and personal development in your work. How do those come together to help someone move from just surviving the pain to actually growing through it?

SPEAKER_01 22:32

I believe that understanding how your brain works is essential for this to be successful because what it does is it allows you to understand what's happened, and that's essential to know because your child will talk about experiences in the past that

Brain Science Meets Biblical Healing

SPEAKER_01 22:57

they remember so incorrectly. What you don't realize is you might also be remembering those incorrectly, and as a parent, especially, you have blind spots, and you know, you don't see everything. Your child might be having an existential crisis, they're really struggling, but it's one thirty in the morning and they want to talk, and they're Upset, and you just say, Look, you're gonna have more emotional bandwidth to deal with this in the morning, just go to bed, and a teenager hears that, and that is utter rejection in their moment of crisis. We never even know those kinds of things happen in every relationship, and I think that the brain allows us to develop a new thought pattern by thinking one thought once, we create a uh what's it called, a neural pathway. And then when we have a second time where we have that thought, there's a second neural uh neuron that connects there and it weaves together three times, four times, five times. When we've had that thought a thousand times, it becomes fat. It's natural, it feels right, and so that's how we are passing along that, repeating that over and over. And um that's why we keep going to the dish cabinet to find dishes there. It's years later, and my daughter says, I still go there to get a plate. So on April Fool's Day, switching the plates over. That's so excited. I love that. Oh, that's great. Thank you for appreciating my joke. Yeah, that's great. But anyway, um, so when we find what's causing things, it helps so much to understand. Now, the Bible explains all of this stuff thousands of years ago. Okay, a soft answer turneth away wrath. Wow, that is absolutely what neuroscience is discovering now. Personal development, that is exactly what the Bible teaches us. The whole purpose of the Bible is to teach us every commandment is given to us as a blessing, not as a curse. The commandments, the Ten Commandments aren't something that was eradicated. Um, the law, okay, the law of Moses, which didn't include just the Ten Commandments, it included 600 commandments. That is what was eradicated, that is what was fulfilled in Christ. But we are to live what Christ taught us, which is an awful lot harder. And we are commanded to not think bad thoughts. Okay, that is neuroscience, and to learn how to do that and to understand the patterns our brain is making scientifically really helps me to understand the scriptural side better. I cannot teach this personal development and these transformations without Christ, because I can teach people everything I teach, but I cannot promise peace and I cannot promise joy without Jesus Christ. There is no peace without Jesus Christ, and that's what I want to offer people. So instead of going to the wider audience, I've narrowed my focus to Christians because that is the only way I can actually promise this. I offer a money-back guarantee because I believe in what I teach. And I believe that if you do all of these things, you will have peace, strength, purpose, etc., and you will love yourself and excuse me, you will be in a position to move forward with grace and power because of the fact that you have sorry, um, because of the fact that you have uh made the decisions that bring you happiness and understanding how to make decisions, how to change your thought patterns. I mean, we're commanded to repent, and it's a great gift. Is it required for salvation? I'm not gonna go there. But repentance and obedience are so underutilized, and they bring incredible happiness. And so when we look for that, that gift that God gives us, it's just realigning our lives with Jesus Christ. And who doesn't want to do that? Repentance on a grand scale, that's tough. But if you repent every day, wow, what a gift you have! It's just realigning your life with the Savior every day. Okay, He wants this for me, He wants me to do it this way. Let's go.

SPEAKER_03 28:09

That's great, that's awesome. We were talking about that last time, and I told Mickey, and we were saying, Well, the minute I get up off the bed, I'm on the side, I always say, God, I'm going to mess up today. I know I'm gonna mess up. Just give me grace and peace because I know I'm gonna screw up. And sometimes I the minute I get up, I screwed up. I'm like, oh you know, but it's that communication, that that connection, as you say, with our savior that we can feel comfortable enough to say, Hey God, I'm gonna screw up today, or can you help me? And I think that's yes, yes. I think that's the biggest part of any type of therapy, because at the end they have a solution. Most therapies just keep you going, and they don't really give you a solution, they just give you a progress and how to keep moving. But when you put Christ at the end, that's the ultimate answer right there. Um, that's the cure, basically. And as you said, the word of God is the number one self-help book in the world. You can read that book a thousand times backwards, upside down, and you will learn something. Something will even if you've never read it and look at it, something will. So I believe that that's a big issue in society today, especially in churches. Um, they don't seem to understand um that connection or that disconnect when it comes to therapy, neuroscience, and and understanding people's emotions. Um, I see that a lot lost in churches, especially pastors don't understand that very well. Uh they always have the spiritual side, which is amen, pastors who do that, but there's also the mental side, there's the physical side. There's a lot of things. Trauma doesn't just create trauma in itself. Trauma's a big word, as you said. Uh trauma can consider a lot of things. And I think pastors have fallen short on dealing with that, in my opinion. I'm not saying every pastor, but in some I've seen that. So um when when you talk to Christian women or that they have estranged sons or or chill any children, um does the is the father ever in that situation as well? Coming from the father's side, because if fathers also feel estranged from their sons, from oh absolutely. So one how you know, so that's my question. How do you do when a woman comes to you, do they mention their husbands as well, or how do you work with that?

SPEAKER_01 30:24

Yes, often. Um, I don't work with the husbands because I I relate to women, it's kind of you know my thing.

SPEAKER_04 30:30

Yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_01 30:31

Um, but uh I've just chosen to work with uh the women, but one in four men are estranged from a child, and that's startling. Yeah, and um maybe I should say one in four children are estranged from a father instead.

Fathers And The Silent Epidemic

SPEAKER_01 30:51

I don't know. It's one of the two 25% of fathers are estranged from a child, 26% actually. And um, that's alarming. We don't talk about that. How many of them were abusive? 10%, 15%, 5%? I don't know, but I will say it wasn't 25%. And uh divorce has a lot to do with that one because frequently uh the mother will get custody, the mother may not even say anything, but if she has an attitude, it will come through in the children. But most of all, if there is that physical separation and they don't see them as often, then they it much more easily write them out of their lives. And um, like you talked about when your child moved to Florida, um, and I don't know where you are.

SPEAKER_03 31:47

I'm in New York City, in New York.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

Okay, okay, condolences. I'm just kidding. I grew up in western New York. Oh, there you go. I love visiting New York. Yeah, but uh I'm a farm group. Visit and go visit and leave, yeah. No, I I love it there. It's just not what I'm familiar with.

unknown 32:04

Right.

SPEAKER_02 32:05

Um but yeah, New York can can can be a little uh overwhelmed.

SPEAKER_01 32:11

Oh no, I love New York. Yeah, I wanted to move there so bad when I was a uh teen. Oh, of course who didn't want to do that.

SPEAKER_00 32:17

Yeah, I've never been to New York. No, I guess I just need to go. Yeah, just go and just do the I'm in Boise, Idaho. So if you want to talk about being a redneck, I'm a tater girl. Okay, guess where I am? Where? Boise, Idaho. Are you serious? I am well.

SPEAKER_02 32:35

Look at that.

SPEAKER_00 32:35

You're in Meridian. Well, I guess we should get together and have lunch. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:41

But God is good, God knows exactly what he's doing.

SPEAKER_01 32:44

Yes, he does.

SPEAKER_02 32:46

Oh, it's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 32:47

Anyway, so my experience is that um the husbands do experience this much more frequently, and I don't know of anyone who specializes in just the husbands in this. There are people who specialize in family, but um it's there's not enough people that work in just this. Um considering that there are 67 million family members estranged in the United States, which is one in four. Um, it's it's to me shameful that there's maybe 25 people who work in this full time from what I can research on the internet. Maybe eight or ten books on the topic. You know, it's just crickets. It's called the silent epidemic for a reason. Women feel ashamed, they feel judged, they feel guilt, and they don't tell people. I didn't tell anyone when my son, when my child walked away from me because uh I wanted to protect their reputation. And then they came back and I made all the mistakes, and then they came back again and I made all the mistakes, and finally it was done, done. And I knew it. And I lost five family members that day, and these weren't family members who lived far away, they lived, you know, within an hour and a half of my house and had lived with us. And soon after I was so angry at first that I was holding firm and steady and I was fine. And then I walked down the hall towards the guest room, and I saw a toy Hot Wheels car that had been left behind, and it was by the door jam in the guest room, and it broke me,

A Breakdown And A Prayer For Help

SPEAKER_01 34:56

and I I just collapsed weeping uncontrollably. I haven't done that before. I've cried, but not like this. And as I laid there, I just I I couldn't handle it. I could handle it. I didn't want to handle it. And I prayed and I asked God, will you carry this pain for me? And I poured out my soul to him asking that. And he did. I don't know why I got that miracle, but from that moment on, it was just a fact. I didn't dwell on it, I didn't trust to dwell on it, but it was just a fact. What's for dinner? I won't see the kids until they're adults. You know, it just it was just a fact. What's the date? My son has cut me off. But with that miracle came the ability to see things clearly and to recognize what I had done and make the changes to myself that were needed. I had crossed some lines that were inappropriate. I was telling my child how to parent. You don't do that, it's not my responsibility or my place. And um, I had to make some big changes, and I did. Well, then I was able to fall back on lessons I had learned earlier in my life, and that was when I was bedridden and broke, and we'd had a financial disaster in our lives and lost everything. And I had lovingly built a business, and it was doing really well when I watched it just melt away, and for two months I laid in bed and I didn't have the energy and the strength to move. And I could walk about 10 to 12 feet, and that was it. And so during that stage, I couldn't care for myself, I couldn't run the business, I couldn't help raise my daughters because if they wanted to unload about their day, their negative energy that they just needed to get out, it undid me. I felt like a dementor was sucking my soul. It was so hard. And during that stage, what I did was I finally recognized this isn't going anywhere soon. But because of previous experiences where I'd had really extreme trials, I was able to put this in God's hands. And I was able to say, okay, I don't just trust in you, but I trust in your timing. Because that's what faith is, and so I leave it to you. I surrendered, and then I chose to not just be patient, but to be cheerful. And that was the hardest decision I've made in my life. Bar none. Hardest thing I've ever done was to change my thoughts, to form everything from a positive angle. Now I didn't know if I was gonna live, they didn't know what I had, I didn't know if I was gonna get better. I never lost the use of my wrist and my hands. Um, but I didn't have the energy to talk, and I'm a talker. Um, but I was able to learn how to uh frame each thought from the perspective of what I would do as a filter on Facebook that I wouldn't do in my thoughts. For instance, here's an extreme example, but and it's it's fictitious. But imagine if I broke both of my legs and they had to be amputated because of a car accident. And my response on Facebook was I lost my legs in a car accident, and I'm grateful for the wonderful doctors who saved my life. Focusing on the positive in every situation, it's always there, and when you look for it, really focus in on it, you'll find it. And that was something I learned how to do, and I lived that way. And there I was in bed, I couldn't even remember things like my children's names or birth dates sometimes. Okay, I never remember their names, I just kind of grab out of the dark, you know. But um what I did was I found a way for I learned the happiness skills, first of all, and then I was able to find a new purpose, and God pulled me in a direction I needed to go. And those skills are something that I applied to the situation when my child left, and I found new directions, and becoming a life coach and creating a program specifically for women who've experienced this were something I was I felt called to do, and I could see that God had prepared me. And I'm gonna shift a little so you can see the picture behind me. It's a picture of Jesus reaching down into the water to pull Peter up out of the water, and I feel like that's my life every day. But by keeping a pattern and the habits to do that, to move forward with um a perspective of being a solution finder and not a critic in my own life and in the world, I learned an incredible level of happiness. God brought me to a ministry that needed my help and that I had the skills for. And I could work 15 minutes at a time until my brain cleared up for the next spot. And it was the happiest 16 months of my life as I recovered from that illness. Truly.

unknown 41:59

Wow. Wow.

SPEAKER_03 42:01

Uh, I heard you mention something, the happiness uh uh form or list or whatever you say. For forming skills. Can you expand on that a little bit? I I'm interested in finding out happiness skills, that's pretty cool.

SPEAKER_01 42:15

Well, that's what I teach in my course. And so if you want to pay, I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_03 42:21

I was like, Oh, by the way, all her all merits information will be in the show notes, so go check it out.

SPEAKER_01 42:28

Um, the happiness skills uh I teach as a system, and that includes that full surrender to Jesus Christ. And for most of us, there's a lot of blockages that make it hard for us to do that, to really go that extra mile. That's when life begins. And then the happiness skills are to live in rejoicing, to live in gratitude, and to live in service.

Happiness Skills While You Wait

SPEAKER_01 42:50

If you're living for yourself, you're gonna be miserable. The end. Yeah, it's true, and that doesn't mean you lose yourself, and that doesn't mean you give everything. What it means is you live with a service-minded attitude, and then you choose. You know, we need to be uh steadfastly committed to serving God through a good cause, but not every good cause. You know, we need to find the ones that we feel drawn to and focus on those and serve in that way.

SPEAKER_03 43:29

That's good advice for anyone who's listening. Uh, we all, you know, uh, like we all have this calling in our lives, right? Uh when you're a even if you're not a Christian, I think God sometimes puts that calling in your heart just so you can find him, and then there's your purpose. Uh, but I think all of us being podcasters, uh, content creators, writers, authors, that has to be something that God has to put in you to continue. And that's what I was talking to Mickey yesterday. That I believe that there's no way you can't believe that there's a higher power, that there's a God that created us. Because you don't learn those things. They don't naturally you have, you know, they're not they're inside of you. It's not like you boom, the world exploded, and now we have morals. That's not how it works. Uh right, and a lot of people don't understand that. That you know, it there has to be something directing you. Um, and I think that's where there's a little bit of a disconnect there uh with people, and uh especially when it comes to family and parents and and growing up, everybody grows up a different way, everybody uh different lifestyles, different trauma, different cities. We all grew up in a different way, and we all deal with things differently based on where you're at, right? Because if you're in a bad relationship with your parents, it's gonna be rough. If you're in a good relationship when you leave, it's gonna be rough. But there's ways of dealing with it, and I think that's where you come in, where you know, uh a son or daughter leaves without telling you, or just leaves and never contacts you. That's I can't even conceive that. Like, I'm trying to understand that and the hurt that that must be, and how only God can give you that peace. Because I think about it now, my hair stand up because I just you know, so that's my thought of like, oh my goodness, like I it's weird.

SPEAKER_01 45:18

Yeah, well, here's here's what happens is we can't either. And when our child walks away and we know it's for good, or it feels like it's for good, but for it's for a long time, whether we have a reason or not almost doesn't matter. The reason is helpful because then we can change that. But sometimes the reason is made up. It's something that has created in their mind because it's uh like the kitchen cabinet, an idea that came and that was repeated, and they ruminated on this. It got caught around the wheel of the axle of the wheel over and over, and suddenly that's become truth in their brain. There's always going to be some splinter of truth. Okay. Um, Satan doesn't work against truth, he works with truth. He believes. All right, it's not about believing in Jesus, it's about following Jesus. Now, Satan, what he does is he takes a partial truth and then he spins that. And he might do that directly with thoughts in our head, because he can put them in, but he he can't keep it there. But what happens is it might surprise us and we might think about it, and suddenly we look back through, and if we're looking for that, we find it. But Satan can also work through other people, and that's where we he we are hit the hardest. Therapists are a big one. About 40% of therapists, if you are meeting with them alone, in a it's 39% of therapists, if you are meeting with them alone, were shown in a study, uh, a major study, that they said things that would push you to get divorced. These are marriage counseling, and they even told them to get divorced, and they also said they diagnosed the missing spouse with a mental disorder without ever meeting them. So, and and this kind of thing happens extensively. Um, we are so overdiagnosed with mental illness, but

Therapy Pitfalls And True Transformation

SPEAKER_01 47:26

once you've been diagnosed with a mental illness, that becomes your shield and your armor. Well, I have this, therefore. Yet they say about 40% of those diagnoses are correct. Isn't that tragic?

SPEAKER_03 47:40

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 47:41

Um it's really, really difficult because going to therapy has side effects just like any medication. Because they pull you, um, if if they're using Freudian uh psychology, which is what was adapted, they're looking to your past to define your present. And the past doesn't have to define your present. And so um I walk women through transformations. That's what I'm big on. There's four transformations they go through. And through those transformations, we are changing how we treat ourselves and feel about ourselves. We are changing our um connection with God, we are changing our outward connection with the world, and we are changing our forward direction. We change how we see the world, how we feel the world, and it's a remarkable experience. And I know it works because I lived it. I learned this on my own, and then I went to some of the top experts in the world for uh personal development, for um performance psychology. And guess what? They all taught the same thing in different words, and I was like, wow, I thought I was the one who discovered that. Of course not. I discovered it, but other people had as well. And so I paid great amounts of money to learn it again. And then I said, you know, they're teaching this, but they're teaching it without Christ. And it's not the full picture. You can't teach it without Christ. It integrates. Christ needs to be woven into everything in our lives if we want true happiness, you know. Um, and and so that's that's what I'm big into is making sure that these women can go through these transformations and become their best selves and truly uh experience life on a higher level, um, and exchange their perspective of the world for a higher, more heavenly perspective, an eternal perspective. Because if we're living on the road level, you know, we're gonna see what we see at that level. And our Mount Everest in our life, which is what it feels like when your child cuts you off, because you've just experienced the death of a child in a way. And no, you didn't lose them forever, necessarily, but you might have. And so there's that unsteadiness. Oh, and there's no funeral, there's no sympathy cards, there's no community coming together in support of you. You're going through this alone, and you feel shame and guilt, and so you isolate, you pull away, and then you're just going through the motions of life, and you're hating yourself for it, and you don't want to do that. So, what do you do? You reach out to your child, you seek after them, and everything you're saying and doing is evidence to them of see, she's apologizing. See, she did do it, or she's so desperate and controlling, she's trying to make deals because their mind is in crisis mode and they're not going to listen. They're not going to see things from your perspective, it's just not possible. That's why I bring the personal development and the uh neuroscience because it helps to understand and be in a position to uh make the right decisions from a place of calm, not just from your emotions, but from your brain and your emotions combined, and be able to work through it with God. He truly understands because we all reject him daily by our choices.

SPEAKER_03 51:31

Even without a choice, we sometimes don't even realize we're rejecting God at the moment. Uh that's right. So we usually have one question we ask every single guest to answer. Um, you can answer any which way you want. Uh, I want to let people know everything, and Merrick, at the end, you can let everyone know where they can find you, where they can contact you. Uh, so my question to you is what's one piece of advice you give someone right now who feels stuck and doesn't know their next move?

SPEAKER_01 52:01

Go to my website. I'm serious. There you go, guys. Go to the website. I have I have two guides they can download that help them to uh understand better what's going on and to help get their footing, you know, get to study them emotionally. Once you've done that, I have a workshop that's $49, $47. And it

One Move For When You’re Stuck

SPEAKER_01 52:25

really helps you to understand your child's perspective more deeply, helps you to understand your situation more deeply, and it goes into detail of what not to say, what not to do, and why, and what to do and um how to do it comes in later in a 90-day course that they can opt in on. But yeah, the workshop is is a great place to learn about that. But seriously, if if I were in that position again, what would I say and do? Wait. The prodigal son left his father. He asked for all of his inheritance. The father knew he would probably lose it all. He didn't have the maturity, that prefrontal cortex wasn't fully developed, but he watched his child go. Did he send his powerful servants after him? Nope. Did he protect him from losing his all of his money? Nope. He watched and he waited. And then he got ready and continued to watch and was ready to receive his son with joy, not with any kind of judgment, not with any kind of anger or frustration. His son came back and boy did he need to apologize to his father. But instead of that, what did he do? Instead of asking for an apology, the father ran to him, wrapped him in his arms, and said, Welcome home, son. Gave him a ring, threw a big party to celebrate him.

unknown 54:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:03

And he did that because he was ready. So I get my woman ready and then tell them to reach out to their child. And then continue to wait.

SPEAKER_03 54:13

And I think that's also a show where God does as well. He waits. He doesn't push, he doesn't holler at you, he doesn't tug, but he waits. And when you do come, it's the most biggest hug in the world when you really accept that God really loves you. Like he truly, truly loves you. And that's I think our podcast, what we wanted to people to understand that God is real, Jesus really is the way, the truth, and the life. There is no other exception. Uh, you can go to all the self-help shows you want to go to, you can read all the top books. I've done that, and all the philosophy you ever want to read. But at the end, it all goes to Jesus, it all goes to that relationship with your with your God. And uh so again, Merit, thank you so much for being on. We are you're definitely one of the ones we'll call back and talk more. Uh, Mickey has a great show that I think you would be perfect on. Uh show I watch her on my show. Yeah, and that would be amazing. I love that we this is one of the reasons why I created this podcast for the connection. So there's always someone that can connect to something, even if I never know, but I know someone heard someone and said, Oh, let me just reach out or let me find out more. So, again, everyone, all of Merit's stuff will be in our show notes. Uh, we appreciate everyone coming and listening and watching and enjoying. Don't forget to leave a comment and follow. We love the comments because the way that keeps going, it reaches the algorithm so our word can go out farther and teach more people the love of Christ. Again, everyone, thank you for showing up. This has been the Compass Chronicles podcast. We love you, we pray for you, and we ask for your your love and your peace for us too as well. God bless.